A big list of “Funniest Quotes To Make You Smile.”
We’ve got hilarious quotes about love, marriage, aging, parenting, friendship, and many more topics that are oh-so relatable and undeniably clever. We’ve got tons of funny quotes that are guaranteed to ease the tension and create a little pocket of joy amid life’s stresses.
Funniest Quotes
- “Although frowned upon it’s not illegal to call a toddler an asshole.”
- “Can you put vodka in more crazy stuff a humidifier? Asking for a friend.”
- “I already know that I’m going to hell at this point it’s really going big or go home you’ll get addicted to fun.”
- “I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.”
- “Be strong,” I whispered to my wifi signal.”
- “I bet it’s called ‘almond milk’ because nobody can say nut juice with a straight face.”
- “Instructors who say “last one” are the reason I have trust issues.”
- “’Made with love’ means I licked the spoon and kept using it.”
- “20 Year old me never thought I’d get this excited about ‘sleeping in’ until 7 am.”
- “Another fine day ruined by responsibility.”
- “I don’t get offered drugs nearly as much as d.a.r.e said I would.”
- “Bold Tuesday physically I’m here. Mentally I’m in a pool in Bali ordering my third mojito.”
- “Alexa, skip to Friday.”
- “I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in a body of a person who wants to sleep a lot you should be on fun.”
- “All I heard was “I swear it will be funny…” And the company and then we were in jail.”
Short Funny Quotes
- “I follow my gut. It tells me how to be successful, and it tells me when to order pizza.”
- “Buns of steel cinnamon.”
- “20 Is a unique leap year. It has 29 days in February, 300 days in March, and 5 years in April.”
- “The fact that Hooters hasn’t launched a home delivery service called Knockers seems like a missed business opportunity to me.”
- “The fuckening when your day is going too well and you don’t trust it and some shit finally goes down ah, there it is, the fuckening.”
- “Yesterday: fixed hair and makeup. Saw no one today: looked like jack nicholson from The Shining. Saw all the people I know. All of them.”
- “You’ll all be sorry when I figure out how to breathe fire.”
- “Laundry: washing – 30 mins drying – 60 mins putting away- 7 to 10 business days.”
- “Therapist: now what do we do when we are sad?” Me: “Add to cart?” Therapist: “No.”
- “If it involves fake smiling, I’m not going.”
- “Based on how I react when the toast pops out of the toaster, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.”
- “Everything funny.org hit the “no receipt” button at the atm, you don’t need that negativity.”
- “Not to brag but I don’t even need alcohol to make really bad decisions.”
- “You don’t go to Target because you need something. You go to Target and let Target tell you what you need.”
Hilarious Quotes to Make You Laugh
- “Me: “I’m still tired from all the CrossFit this morning.” My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.” Aunty acid”
- “I think I’m starting to lose my mind. But as long as I keep the part that tells me when I gotta pee, I should be okay.”
- “How I would get kidnapped.”
- “I have terrible ideas if you need any.”
- “I would lose weight but I hate losing.”
- “I want to have a weekend adventure, but I kinda want to have it in my pajamas.”
- “If you don’t like coffee, I respect your opinion, but you’re wrong and I hate you.”
- “When I yell at my dog to stop barking I wonder if he’s like “this is awesome!! We are barking together.”
- “The three hardest things to say are: 1. I was wrong 2. I need help 3. Worcestershire sauce.”
- “If I say “first of all” run away because I have prepared research, data, and charts and will destroy you”
- “90 Percent of being married is just yelling ‘what?’ From other rooms.”
- “I came. I saw. I made it awkward.”
Best Funny Quotes
- “Interviewer: “What do you make at your current job?” Me: mostly mistakes and inappropriate comments..”
- “Never hint to a printer that you’re in a rush. Those bastards smell fear.”
- “Patience: what you have when there are too many witnesses.”
- “Sweating while you shop counts as exercise.”
- “Life status: currently holding it all together with one bobby pin”
- “When I get to work, I first hide. Because a good worker is hard to find.”
- “When I die, please change my Facebook status to, it’s not as hot as I thought it would be.”
- “Thank goodness I don’t have to hunt for my food. I don’t even know where tacos live.”
- “Bold Tuesday me traveling. Person: “Un cafe?” Me: “Qui” Person: “Sucre” Me: “No” Person: “You speak very good French” Me: “Gracias”.”
- “Any pizza is a personal pizza if you believe in yourself.”
- “To my friends: shine on you crazy. Perverted, alcoholic weirdos. Y’all are my people.”
- “Iva let me stop you right there if it involves early mornings, sweating, or people, then no.”
- “Just once, I want a username and password to say close enough.”
- “The more you weigh, the harder you are to kidnap. Stay safe. Eat cake.”
- “I’ve never been so hungry in my entire life.” -Me every two hours.”
Short Funny Sayings
- “My favorite emails are the ones that tell me my order has been shipped.”
- “I just want to lay in a pile of warm laundry and eat bread.”
- “As for me and my house, we will serve tacos salsa 24:7.”
- “The rebel in me will never die.”
- “Be the kind of person who pulls through to the next gas pump.”
- “☆ Peace on earth, goodwill to men. Except for a few of you. You know who you are.”
- “Today’s interpretive dance was brought to you by “There’s a spider on my shirt!!” It will be followed by “my omg where did it go?!”
- “All I want for Christmas is you. • Just kidding. I want a three-month vacation.”
- “How do I like my eggs? Umm, in a cake.”
- “My brain during the day: potato, potato, ching chong tomato my brain at night: I wonder why the earth was placed exactly here and allowed us to provide a perfect climate to sustain human life.”
- “Hello darkness, my old friend I stood up too fast again.”
- “A wise man once said nothing.”
- “And then the humidity said today I’ll make you look like the lion king.”
- “Cupcakes are muffins that believed in miracles.”