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60 Mitch Hedberg Quotes for Funny One-Liners

Mitch Hedberg Quotes: the most memorable one-liners from his infamous master. Mitch Hedberg was an American stand-up comedian known for his surreal humor and unconventional comedic delivery. Here are the best Top 60 Most Famous Quotes quotable. Mitch Hedberg quotes on various subjects.

Mitch Hedberg Quotes for Funny One Liners Jokes

Each comedian has their own way of making people laugh. And while famous comedians like George Carlin, Richard Pryor, Joan Rivers, Betty White, Chris Rock, and many others are pop culture icons, one name is often left off the list of the best. Whether you’ve heard of Mitch Hedberg or not, he had a big impact on comedy as a whole in the 1990s. Hedberg was famous for his crazy one-liners, observational comedy, and cynical humor. On stage, he delivered his signature lines with a deadpan face and sunglasses. His act worked, and everyone thought his jokes were funny.

This is why Hedberg’s death at the age of 37 from a drug overdose is so sad. We have put together a list of the best one-liners from Hedberg that will make both new and old fans laugh out loud at their computer or phone.

Best Mitch Hedberg Quotes and Jokes

“I love blackjack. But I’m not addicted to gambling. I’m addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.”

“Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.”

“This one commercial said, ‘Forget everything you know about slipcovers.’ So I did, and it was a load off of my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell slipcovers, but I didn’t know what they were!”

Mitch Hedberg Quotes

“My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. So which one is the real hero?”

“Sometimes I wave to people I don’t know. It’s very dangerous to wave to someone you don’t know, because what if they don’t have a hand? They’ll think you’re cocky. ‘Look what I got… This thing is useful. I’m gonna go pick somethin’ up.’”

“If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower.”

“Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.”

I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too. – Mitch Hedberg Quotes


I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, “Dude, you have to wait.” — Mitch Hedberg


One time, this guy handed me a picture of him. He said, “Here’s a picture of me when I was younger.” Every picture is of you when you were younger. “Here’s a picture of me when I’m older.”, “You son of a bitch! How’d you pull that off? Let me see that camera!” — Mitch Hedberg

Mitch Hedberg Quotes 1

mitch hedberg quotes banana


I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.


On a stop light green means go, red means stop and yellow means slow down, but on a banana it’s just the opposite. Green means “hold on”, yellow means “go ahead”, and red means “where the f*ck did you get that banana at?” — Mitch Hedberg


I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it. – Mitch Hedberg Quotes


You know when it comes to racism, people say: “I don’t care if they’re black, white, purple or green.” Woah, hold on now! Purple or green? You gotta draw the line somewhere! To hell with purple people! – Unless they’re suffocating – then help’em. — Mitch Hedberg


I don’t have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who’d be mad at me for saying that.


My belt holds up my pants and my pants have belt loops that hold up the belt. What the f*ck’s really goin’ on down there? Who is the real hero? — Mitch Hedberg


You know, I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later. — Mitch Hedberg


Whenever I go to shave, I assume there’s someone else on the planet shaving, so I say, “I’m gonna go shave, too.” — Mitch Hedberg

Mitch Hedberg Quotes 2

mitch hedberg quotes death


I bought a seven dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.


I think Bigfoot is blurry; that’s the problem. It’s not the photographer’s fault. Bigfoot is blurry and that’s extra scary to me. There’s a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. “Run, he’s fuzzy, get out of here.” — Mitch Hedberg


My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. –  Mitch Hedberg Quotes


I think Pringles’ original intention was to make tennis balls, but on the day the rubber was supposed to show up a truckload of potatoes came. Pringles is a laid-back company, so they just said, “F*ck it, cut em up!”
— Mitch Hedberg


I order the club sandwich all the time, but I’m not even a member, man. I don’t know how I get away with it. — Mitch Hedberg


“Last week, I helped my friend stay put. It’s a lot easier’n helpin’ ’em move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.”

“I like vending machines because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store, oftentimes I will drop it so that is achieves its maximum flavor potential.”

“All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.”

“I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re goin’, and hook up with them later.”

“Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.”

“Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I’m going to have all my clothes made out of blankets.”

“I want to get a vending machine, with fun-sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You’ll be mad, but it will be too late.”

“Every time I go and shave, I assume there’s someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, ‘I’m gonna go shave, too.’”

“I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.” – Mitch Hedberg Quotes

“I’d like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.”

“I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.”

“You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don’t want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.”

“I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, ‘You’re gonna have to move; you’re blocking a fire exit.’ As though if there was a fire, I wasn’t gonna run. If you’re flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.”

“A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.”

“The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.”

“I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shishkabobs.”

“I like refried beans. That’s why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they’re just as good and we’re just wasting time. You don’t have to fry them again after all.”

“I wish I could play little league now. I’d be way better than before.”

“I like to close my eyes on the stage because I have drawn a picture of an audience enjoying the show more on the back of my eyelids.”

“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.”

“I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.”

“Dogs are forever in the push up postion.”

“When someone hands you a flyer, it’s like they’re saying here you throw this away.”

“That would be cool if you could eat a good food with a bad food and the good food would cover for the bad food when it got to your stomach. Like you could eat a carrot with an onion ring and they would travel down to your stomach, then they would get there, and the carrot would say, It’s cool, he’s with me.”

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said “no, but I want a regular banana later, so … yeah”.


An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You would never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience. — Mitch Hedberg


Is a hippopotamus really a hippopotamus or just a really cool Optimus?


I got two straws here, in case one breaks down. You know Crazy Straws, they go all over the place? These f*ckin’ straws are sane. They never lost their minds. They said, “We’re going straight to the mouth. That f*cker who takes a while to get there? He’s crazy.” — Mitch Hedberg


I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car’s headlights and tell you exactly which way it’s coming.


I can’t tell you what hotel I’m stayin’ in, but there are two trees involved. They said, “Let’s call this hotel something Tree”. So they had a meeting; it was…it was quite short. “How ’bout Tree?” “No.” “Double Tree?” “Hell yeah! Meeting adjourned!” Well, I had my heart set on Quadruple Tree…and we were almost there! — Mitch Hedberg


If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be fucked up.

“This shirt is dry clean only. Which means… it’s dirty.”

“Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen.”

“I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way too literal for ME.”

“You can’t please all the people all the time, and last night all those people were at my show.”

“My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She’s an actress. She just never gets called to the set.”

“I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary.”

“I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out. They sold their soul to the devil — and the devil was dill.”

“So, I sit at the hotel at night and I think of something that’s funny. Or, If the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of wasn’t funny.”

“I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. Say, man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Man, you really like Tide…”

“If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed up.”

“I got into an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That’s a bad place for an argument because then I tried to walk out and slammed the flap. How are you supposed to express your anger in this situation? Zipper it up really quick?”

“I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.”

“People teach their dogs to sit; it’s a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.”

“Why are there no during pictures.”

“What am I drinking? NyQuil on the rocks, for when you’re feeling sick but sociable.”

“I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn’t work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.”

“I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There’s turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Someone needs to tell the turkey, man, just be yourself.”

“It’s hard to dance if you just lost your wallet. Whoa! Where’s my wallet? But, hey this song is funky…”

“Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.”

“My friend was walking down the street and he said, I hear music. As if there is any other way of taking it in. I tried to taste it, but it did not work.”

“A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.”

“Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes.”

“I like Kit-Kat, unless I’m with four or more people.”

Mitch Hedberg Images with One-Liners

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Mitch Hedberg Quotes

Last Updated on November 20, 2022

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