55 Dirty Jokes – Laugh out loud jokes

Dirty Jokes That Are Never Appropriate But Always Funny WARNING… these jokes are extremely dirty and funny at the same time. Enjoy reading!

Funny dirty jokes

Dirty Jokes

1. What type of bird gives the best head? A swallow.

2. How do you get a nun pregnant? You have sex with her.

3. What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say? “Beat it. We’re closed.”

4. What’s long, green, and smells like bacon? Kermit the Frog’s fingers.

5. A woman walks out of the bathroom, winks at her husband, and says, “I shaved down there; you know what that means.” The husband responds, “Yeah, the drain is clogged.”

6. What do you get when you jingle Santa’s balls? A white Christmas.

7. A husband says to his wife, “Why don’t you tell me when you orgasm?” She replies, “I don’t like calling you when you’re at work.”

Adult humor jokes
Adult humor jokes

Best dirty jokes

8. “I bet you can’t tell me something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time,” a husband says to his wife. She thinks about it for a moment and then responds, “Your penis is bigger than your brother’s.”

9. What’s the difference between kinky and perverted? Kinky is when you tickle your girlfriend with a feather, perverted is when you use the whole bird.

10. How do you make a pool table laugh? Tickle its balls.

11. What’s long and hard and full of semen? A submarine.

12. I’ll admit it, I have a tremendous sex drive. My girlfriend lives 40 miles away.

13. What’s the difference between your penis and a bonus check? Someone’s always willing to blow your bonus.

Dirty jokes for adults
Dirty jokes for adults

Adult humor jokes

14. How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips? As soon as you open it, you realize it’s half empty.

15. What is Moby Dick’s dad’s name? Papa Boner.

16. What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

17. A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes, the man finally gets up and says, “Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!” The woman says, “Me too, you’ve been eating grass for the past 10 minutes!”

18. An old woman walked into a dentist’s office, took off all her clothes, and spread her legs. The dentist said, “I think you have the wrong room.” “You put in my husband’s teeth last week,” she replied. “Now you have to remove them.”

Clever dirty jokes
Clever dirty jokes

Hilarious dirty jokes

19. Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg? Because they won’t stop to ask for directions.

20. What do you call the lesbian version of a cock block? A beaver dam.

21. Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle? Because his wife died.

22. How can you tell if your husband is dead? The sex is the same, but you get to use the remote.

23. What’s the difference between a sex worker and a drug dealer? A sex worker could wash her crack and resell it.

24. What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common? A wet nose.

Short dirty jokes
Short dirty jokes

Short dirty jokes

25. What do tofu and dildos have in common? They are both meat substitutes.

26. What comes after 69? Mouthwash.

27. What goes in hard and dry, but comes out soft and wet? Gum.

28. What did the penis say to the vagina? “Don’t make me come in there!”

29. A guy is sitting at the doctor’s office. The doctor walks in and says, “I have some bad news. I’m afraid you’re going to have to stop masturbating.” “I don’t understand, doc,” the patient says. “Why?” “Because,” the doctor says. “I’m trying to examine you.”

30. What does the receptionist at a sperm bank say as clients leave? “Thanks for coming!”

Best dirty jokes
Best dirty jokes

Dirty jokes for adults

31. The stork is the bird that brings the baby, but a swallow’s the one to prevent it.

32. What do you do when your cat’s dead? Play with the neighbor’s pussy instead.

33. My neighbor is mad at his wife for sunbathing nude. I personally am on the fence.

34. What’s the difference between hungry and horny? Where you stick the cucumber.

35. Why do walruses love a Tupperware party? They’re always on the lookout for a tight seal.

Funny adult jokes
Funny adult jokes

Dirty one-liners

36. What do you get when you cross a dick with a potato? A dictator.

37. Why can’t you hear rabbits making love? Because they have cotton balls.

38. What is the first thing a man puts in a woman when they get married? The wedding ring.

39. Why did the squirrel swim on its back? To keep its nuts dry.

40. A naked man broke into a church. The police chased him around and finally caught him by the organ.

Dirty one liners
Dirty one liners

Clever dirty jokes

41. Why does a mermaid wear seashells? Because she outgrew her B-shells.

42. Why did Jesus die a virgin? Every single “wound” he touched closed up.

43. What did the guy say when he got caught masturbating to an optical illusion? “It’s not what it looks like.”

44. My wife asked me to spoon in bed, but I’d rather fork.

45. Let’s play carpenter! First, we’ll get hammered, then I’ll nail you.

NSFW jokes
NSFW jokes

Funny adult jokes

46. What did the O say to the Q? “Dude, your dick’s hanging out.”

47. What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree? “Hold on to your nuts, this ain’t no ordinary blow job!”

48. “My mom told me the best time to ask my dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I’d ever been given. I burst in through the bedroom door saying, ‘Can I have a new bike?’ He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.” — Jimmy Carr

49. “You should only have sex with a famous person if you really, really genuinely want to tell people about it afterward.” — Sara Pascoe

50. “Sick and perverted always appeals to me.” — Madonna

Hilarious dirty jokes
Hilarious dirty jokes

Dirty jokes for friends

51. “It’s not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on.” ― Marilyn Monroe

52. “Tell me what a person finds sexually attractive and I will tell you their entire philosophy of life.” — Ayn Rand

53. “Sex: the thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.” — John Barrymore

54. Who’s the most popular guy at the nudist colony? The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.

55. Why does a mermaid wear seashells? Because she outgrew her B-shells.