Mitch Hedberg Quotes – Top 25 Most Famous Quotes quotable.

Mitch Hedberg quotes the most memorable and one liners from his infamous master. Mitch Hedberg was an American stand-up comedian known for his surreal humor and unconventional comedic delivery. Here are the best Top 25 Most Famous Quotes quotable. On Mitch Hedberg quotes on various subjects.

I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too. – Mitch Hedberg Quotes

I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, “Dude, you have to wait.” — Mitch Hedberg

One time, this guy handed me a picture of him. He said, “Here’s a picture of me when I was younger.” Every picture is of you when you were younger. “Here’s a picture of me when I’m older.”, “You son of a bitch! How’d you pull that off? Let me see that camera!” — Mitch Hedberg

I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

On a stop light green means go, red means stop and yellow means slow down, but on a banana it’s just the opposite. Green means “hold on”, yellow means “go ahead”, and red means “where the f*ck did you get that banana at?” — Mitch Hedberg

I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it. – Mitch Hedberg Quotes

You know when it comes to racism, people say: “I don’t care if they’re black, white, purple or green.” Woah, hold on now! Purple or green? You gotta draw the line somewhere! To hell with purple people! – Unless they’re suffocating – then help’em. — Mitch Hedberg

I don’t have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who’d be mad at me for saying that.

My belt holds up my pants and my pants have belt loops that hold up the belt. What the f*ck’s really goin’ on down there? Who is the real hero? — Mitch Hedberg

You know, I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.

Whenever I go to shave, I assume there’s someone else on the planet shaving, so I say, “I’m gonna go shave, too.” — Mitch Hedberg

I bought a seven dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.

I think Bigfoot is blurry; that’s the problem. It’s not the photographer’s fault. Bigfoot is blurry and that’s extra scary to me. There’s a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. “Run, he’s fuzzy, get out of here.” — Mitch Hedberg

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. –  Mitch Hedberg Quotes

I think Pringles’ original intention was to make tennis balls, but on the day the rubber was supposed to show up a truckload of potatoes came. Pringles is a laid-back company, so they just said, “F*ck it, cut em up!”
— Mitch Hedberg

I order the club sandwich all the time, but I’m not even a member, man. I don’t know how I get away with it. — Mitch Hedberg

You know, I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later. — Mitch Hedberg

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said “no, but I want a regular banana later, so … yeah”.

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You would never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience. — Mitch Hedberg

Is a hippopotamus really a hippopotomus or just a really cool opotamus?

I got two straws here, in case one breaks down. You know Crazy Straws, they go all over the place? These f*ckin’ straws are sane. They never lost their minds. They said, “We’re going straight to the mouth. That f*cker who takes a while to get there? He’s crazy.” — Mitch Hedberg

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car’s headlights and tell you exactly which way it’s coming.

I can’t tell you what hotel I’m stayin’ in, but there are two trees involved. They said, “Let’s call this hotel something Tree”. So they had a meeting; it was…it was quite short. “How ’bout Tree?” “No.” “Double Tree?” “Hell yeah! Meeting adjourned!” Well, I had my heart set on Quadruple Tree…and we were almost there! — Mitch Hedberg

If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be fucked up.