This collection of Kenny Powers quotes is ideal for you if you are managing the difficulties of life and adjustments to your routine. Kenny Powers, a well-known baseball player, stars in Eastbound & Down, a popular comedy series starring Danny McBride.
He goes back to his hometown to take a job as a fill-in physical education teacher after being on a losing skid in the top leagues. It is incredibly tough to adjust to changes in our routine, just like what he went through. This collection will reveal more about his epiphanies.
Best Kenny Powers Quotes
1. “If I had to choose, I mean historically, I’ve always considered myself to be a tit man.” — Kenny Powers
2. “You’re lookin’ for that mallet, but this ain’t Red Lobster, sweetheart. They don’t give you mallets in the fuckin’ expensive restaurants.” — Kenny Powers
3. “But, that’s not what I want. And I say fuck what these people want. I made a lot of mistakes on my return to super stardom. I screwed alotta pooches—I fucked alotta folks. I labored for far too long for lesser men.” — Kenny Powers
4. “What is that smell? What did you eat? Diarrhea?” — Kenny Powers
5. “Oh, you think that’s funny? How ’bout I show you my balls right now and you can tell me if they shrunk, huh? No, for your information, I have full-size balls. Next question.” — Kenny Powers
6. “Fuck, man, I’m a bulletproof tiger, dude!” — Kenny Powers
7. “Enjoy new things for the very first time in your lives.” — Kenny Powers
8. “If you’ve got something you want to say, then just say it. You can save us a lot of time with this fuckin’ pointless history lesson in this goddamn creepy, uninmpressive, fuckin’ hall. I don’t like it here. It’s gross.” — Kenny Powers
9. “If there’s one thing I hate, it’s losing. If there’s two things I hate, it’s losing and getting cancer.” — Kenny Powers
10. “And why did I do these fucking things, you ask? Well, it’s simple, really. I thought that fame, fortune, and success was the only way I would ever be happy. And I paid a steep price for this train of thinking. I’ve lost the only woman I’ve ever loved and the only woman who ever loved me.” — Kenny Powers
11. “You could be Tic Tacs the way your goddamn breath’s been kickin’. You smell like you’ve been chewing on buttholes all afternoon—diarrhea buttholes, diarrhea stinky buttholes. Get a toothbrush homes!” — Kenny Powers
12. “See, in life, when you have talent, all the other shit doesn’t matter. If we were on an island with no weights and no running drills, who would be on top then? The guy with the talent.” — Kenny Powers
13. “Can’t help but notice how much they stick together, too. I mean, when you see Mexicans in the States you think, ‘Oh, there’s a group of Mexicans doing’ Mexican things together,’ but here you see that it’s not just because they speak the same language, and are all Catholic. Family means a lot to these people. Relationships, husbands, wives, parents, all that shit.” — Kenny Powers
14. “Whenever I look at a Mexican, I will think of you. Whenever you look at that jackass, you think of me, okay?” — Kenny Powers
15. “You should hold onto that, man. They’re about to ban that shit. I’m tryin’ to protect your household.” — Kenny Powers
16. “I’m your handsome, white Jesus, motherfucker.” — Kenny Powers
17. “You want to go to therapy? Let’s waste our money on therapy, that’s fine. Not because we can’t afford it—because trust me, sweetheart—we can afford it. It’s just my motto’s always been, just because you have money, you don’t need to be wasting it on frivolous nonsense.” — Kenny Powers
18. “Once again, I’m with the hottest chick in town, buying’ the most expensive fashions, dining’ in the fanciest food places, riding around on goddamn jet skis. Rainin’ trim. Hallucinogens. Jet skis again. Throwin’ heat. And getting laid.” — Kenny Powers
19. “I’ve been blessed with many things in this life—an arm like a damn rocket, a cock like a burmese python, and the mind of a fucking scientist.” — Kenny Powers
20. “I need to remember that I’m a winner, man. I need to remember that I am better than everyone else.” — Kenny Powers
21. “No offense, but you got a shitty job, you’re not quite as tall as me, nobody really respects you. Now, me, on the other hand, I got the glory. I get the fame, the money, the jewels, the cash, the Denali. Getting drunk on the reg, fucking good times on the reg, yachts on the reg, sex on the reg. Basically, all the shit that most men fantasize about. But, you get April.” — Kenny Powers
22. “I never got into the Native American mythology. You can smoke the peace pipe till your dick falls off, but I’m not dancing with any wolves no matter how high I get? Not that I get high, but if I did my shit would still believe in our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.” — Kenny Powers
23. “Too hot for hugs here, man. I’ve been battling’ a war with swamp ass since I got down here.” — Kenny Powers
24. years old, I changed the face of professional baseball. I was handed the keys to the kingdom. Multi-million dollar deals. Endorsements. Everyone wanted a piece of my shit. Just a man with a mind for victory and an arm like a fucking canon. But sometimes, when you bring the thunder, you get lost in the storm.” — Kenny Powers
25. “Do I have all the attention of everyone? Attention please. For those of y’all who do not know who I am, my name is Kenny Powers. And as fucked-up and weird as it may seem, I used to be a teacher here. But now I return to you. A victor, a champion, a man who has defeated the face of Mexican baseball, not to get back my old job—fuck that noise.” — Kenny Powers
26. “Listen here, you beautiful bitch. I’m about to fuck you up with some truth.” — Kenny Powers
27. “Okay, I’m out. Party’s over. I guess I’ll have to find somebody new to fall in love with who will appreciate these. Want some fucking rubies?” — Kenny Powers
28. “Oh, what do I know? I know that one of us had their own personal stylist and one of us shoplifts their shit from Fashion Bug. That’s what I know.” — Kenny Powers
29. “Cut to black. Audience goes fucking apeshit.” — Kenny Powers
30. “Therefore, I will now settle into this new life. I’ll find new ways in which to use this arm. I will take my current responsibilities seriously, and try to do them the best that I possibly can. And realizing that the love of my life has chosen another, I will move forward—without her.” — Kenny Powers
31. “But, if a man doesn’t have a dream, well guess what? His soul begins to die. So after you’ve accomplished your dreams, the best thing to do is to come up with new dreams. That way, as the years roll on, as they will do, you’ll always look to the future with hope.” — Kenny Powers
32. “Goddamn fangs, lookin’ like a motherfuckin’ extra from Blade. Oh, we wanna talk about hair? Let’s talk about hair for a second, shall we? Let’s talk about that bald-ass, shiny head of yours; lookin’ like the black Destro. Honestly, this motherfucker looks like a Milk Dud. Nah, nah, nah, you don’t have to be a Milk Dud.” — Kenny Powers
33. “You know me, Guy. I’m always ready to bust a nut on this television audience.” — Kenny Powers
34. “All right, so let me get this straight. I’m gonna pay for a blow job, and I gotta pay for a goddamn hotel room too? That just seems like I’m spending too much money for nothing. I’ve got a house. You can just get over here. I can just do the blowjob here. And can I wear the Scream mask? The mask from Scream? While I do you from behind.” — Kenny Powers
35. “Shit, you can die from that?” — Kenny Powers
36. “I’m also an orphan. My dad ran out on me when I was just a kid. All he left was a batch of hepatitis on the toilet seat.” — Kenny Powers
37. “But, a true champion, face to face in his darkest hour, will do whatever it takes to rise above. A man fights, fights, and fights some more. Because surrender is death, and death is for pussies. And my ass ain’t no pussy. My ass is a fucking champion.” — Kenny Powers
38. “I’m sober and ready to destroy the competitions.” — Kenny Powers
39. “I’m wearing all black. Outlaws wear black. Fags and cocaine dealers wear white.” — Kenny Powers
40. “I’m Kenny Powers! And I am very upset with how I am acting right now. I just have a very hard time expressing my emotions, and I can’t stop from yelling.” — Kenny Powers
41. “Somebody got a saltwater motherfuckin’ pool. That’s right. So let the deep, sparkly waters serve as a symbol to each of you—that if you work hard enough, if you dream big enough, anything is possible.” — Kenny Powers
42. “There’s gonna be an ass-ton of crabs, lobsters, wine, Bartles & Jaymes, corn on the cob, fuckin’ booger sugar.” — Kenny Powers
43. “Yeah, I’ve actually had multiple orgasms on jet skis. Maybe it’s something in our blood that we can just ya know, get hard from riding fuckin’ badass ya know, terrain vehicles water crafts—.” — Kenny Powers
44. “Fame, fortune, power, titties. People say these are the most crucial things in life. But, you can have a pocket full of gold, it doesn’t mean shit if you don’t have someone to share that gold with. Seems simple, yet it’s an important lesson to learn. Even lone wolves run in packs sometimes.” — Kenny Powers
45. “Over the course of my career, I played on many different teams. Some I liked. Some I really fucking hated. I’m not mentioning any names, but let’s just say Seattle can tongue-kiss my shit hole.” — Kenny Powers
46. “Nothing more, nothing less. From this moment forward, the People’s Champion, the Shelby Sensation, the Reverse Apache Master, the Man with the Golden Dick, Dr. Cock and Balls—that Kenny Powers is now dead. And he will never pick up a baseball ever fucking again.” — Kenny Powers
47. “If you ask me, the secret to success is to have a diverse portfolio. Too much of any one thing is fuckin’ no bueno. Of course sometimes balancing can be hard, but all things worth having’, are worth fighting for. Sometimes, hard work pays off.” — Kenny Powers
48. “And the one thing a champion does not do is fucking quit. A true champion faces his enemies and he conquers them. And that is why I’m here today to tell you all that Kenny Powers is officially accepting the position of PE Coach here at Jefferson Davis Middle School. That is, until the majors call me back up. So, let’s get the teaching on!” — Kenny Powers
49. “Just like that, the journey is over, depression is finished, and you’re on your way back to the world of the living, smiling, regular people. The road has been paved with dickheads, backstabbers, and pains in the fuckin’ ass but memories were made, allies were had, pole smokers were toppled, and the truth was discovered.” — Kenny Powers
50. “I’m sick and tired of carrying all the weight, the coaches and owners not giving me the shit I need to win. Atlanta, you’re fucking out. Kenny Powers is now a free agent. Let’s buy the bar and get shitfaced. Get me paid, bitch!” — Kenny Powers
51. “In America, people fucking hate soccer, and honestly, that’s the way it should be. You kinda like soccer? I’m gonna pretend you didn’t just make my dick go soft. Yeah, no, it’s totally soft. I feel like it’s just gone back inside of me with that like, ‘No, don’t talk about soccer.’” — Kenny Powers
52. “Doing what? Giving Robocop a blowjob?” — Kenny Powers
53. “Mongoloid Mike? Is that what you used to call him?” — Kenny Powers
54. “Sounds like Fifty Shades of Gross to me, motherfucker.” — Kenny Powers
55. “I learned a lot down in Mexico. I learned that sometimes to be the man, you gotta beat the man. I learned the grass is not always greener. I learned that adversity’s sweet milk. That’s philosophy, April.” — Kenny Powers
56. “I love how you’ve sexualized the food. This is perfect for a shopping mall.” — Kenny Powers
57. “Me, I’m doing it for a girl I had to leave behind just to get this far. Now I gotta go a little further to get back to her. All I can do is hope that one day she’ll understand, and when that day comes, it’s not too late.” — Kenny Powers
58. “Truth be told, things aren’t going as good for me as I was led to believe. The love of my life married some other dude, and my new girlfriend fed her pussy to the owner of the baseball team I just quit. I stole a homeboy’s car, and now I’m probably a wanted fugitive.” — Kenny Powers
59. “There’s no better feeling than winning, dealing your opponent the deathblow, then standing over his lifeless body as the world around you leaps to their feet, falling all over each other to get a taste of your hero’s jism. The immature man revels in such adulations. The mature man, however, celebrates not, because he knows that every victory is just a precursor to another fucked-up test.” — Kenny Powers
60. “I paid cash for the motherfucker. Bought it with an advance that I was paid for this, uh—self help novel I’m about to have published onto Oprah’s book clubs. Pretty much saved all my pennies from my major league days. Invested a lot of it very wisely in stocks, bonds, famous works of arts.” — Kenny Powers
61. “The good thing about getting over depression is, well, you can start to see your enemies more clearly. Suddenly, everyone isn’t an obstacle, just some people are—and it might be someone that you find is in your bloodline, distant and as brown as their skin can be, they still are part of you.” — Kenny Powers
62. “We can do some fucking great things tonight, you guys. Follow me. Walk with me out onto that field. And when you do, you will fucking put your ass out, and you raise your fucking head up.” — Kenny Powers
63. “Look at the goddamn sax player from ‘Lost Boys’ out here trying to rub the goddamn language barrier in my face.” — Kenny Powers
64. “This one coach tried to put me on a weight training program, and I was all like, ‘You and your weights can fuck off somewhere. I’m not lifting that shit. It’s heavy. You tell me why I need strength training when I’m strong enough to throw a goddamn — Kenny Powers
65. “Toby, what do you want from me? I’ve been super cool to you. I’ve given you a bowl of Chex Mix and some water. Why are you making curses upon me? If I give you a toy, will that erase the curse?” — Kenny Powers
66. “Why would you do this to me? Here this whole time I thought you were the whore with a heart of gold. Instead you’re just a whore with a real whore’s heart.” — Kenny Powers
67. “I heard that bullshit thrown at me all my damn life. You know what Kenny Powers says? Fundamentals are the crutch for the talentless.” — Kenny Powers
68. “You mean Jew York? It’s fucking great.” — Kenny Powers
69. “Well, I’m here today to tell y’all you don’t know shit. There comes a time in every man’s life when he’s got to take a look at himself in a mirror and decide just exactly who he is. Well, I’ve come to that crossroads and I’ve decided. Kenny Powers is a man. Kenny Powers is an athlete. Kenny Powers is a lover. But the most he is, I mean, the thing that Kenny Powers is the most, is a goddamn champion.” — Kenny Powers
70. “There have been many comebacks throughout history; Jesus was dead, but then came back as an all-powerful God zombie. Ryan O’Neal had his ups and downs, but is now back and better than ever.” — Kenny Powers
71. “I can’t believe I opened up my heart to that bitch. Opened it wide. And she just squatted with that big beautiful booty and dumped it all over it.” — Kenny Powers
72. “You know what? I can already tell that I don’t like you. And I’m probably not gonna like you no matter how many pull-ups or push-ups you do. All right, anybody who wants to pick on anybody in class, aim for him, ‘cause I’m not watching.” — Kenny Powers
73. “Ask anybody out there, and they’ll tell you that the foundation of a great baseball player starts with an understanding of some basic fundamentals. Running, stretching, physical conditioning. These are the things that prepare your body for the many challenges a baseball player faces.” — Kenny Powers
74. “Many moons ago the white man stole their land, so they’re instantly gonna have a hatred for you. I want you to keep Dakota by your side, and never show ’em an ounce of fear—one day, you can gain their respect.” — Kenny Powers
75. “A lot of people ask me, ‘Kenny Powers, you’re a giant star. You can get any woman. Have you ever paid for sex?’ And the answer is yes, I have. And it’s actually kinda cool. You can negotiate practically anything and sometimes, even just kind of do stuff in the moment that you never agreed to pay for and it goes by without much argument.” — Kenny Powers
76. “Sure, I’ve been called a xenophobe, but the truth is, I’m not. I honestly just feel that America is the best country and the other countries aren’t as good. That used to be called patriotism.” — Kenny Powers
77. “This is a real job, it’s not like teaching kids. I can’t get fucked up.” — Kenny Powers
78. “There’s no doubt my stock is soaring. I’m more recognizable than I’ve ever been. I think it’s high time we finally cash in on these lucrative opportunities that my fame has brought upon us.” — Kenny Powers
79. “Cassie, big ups to you for being supportive. You’ve got much bigger balls than your husband does. Much better man than him.” — Kenny Powers
80. “God has taken a dump on my face. The love of my life doesn’t want to have sex with me ‘cause she’s marrying some smoothie eatin’ fairy.” — Kenny Powers
81. “I play real sports. Not trying to be the best at exercising. Fuck this guy.” — Kenny Powers
82. “Stay in school. Fight the power. Don’t do drugs. Unless, of course, you’re doing them with me.” — Kenny Powers
83. “I’ve had a lot of memories and sometimes, I have to dump the small ones to make room for the bigger ones. But sometimes, when you try to dump the smaller ones, you think they’re gone but they’re not. They’re sitting there, waiting to pick up exactly where they left off. No matter if there are new memories standing in their way or not.” — Kenny Powers
84. “Hey man, Dustin Jr. is a well adjusted kid, he’s responsible enough to own an assault rifle.” — Kenny Powers
85. “It’s no mystery that ass has always been tits’ greatest enemy. It’s almost like a Muslim-Jewish thing, but with tits and ass.” — Kenny Powers
86. “I used my God given abilities to destroy men’s lives. I betrayed good people. I ruthlessly stepped upon the weak and the strong, I turned ’em into my slaves. Even the fiercest of warriors was nothing to me—powerless.” — Kenny Powers
87. “Her son? You came out of her vagina? I was all up in that shit last night!” — Kenny Powers
88. “But, to capture the heart of one of your teachers, and take her away from you forever. So at this time I would like the beautiful, the forgiving, the talented, big-chested art teacher, to please step forward.” — Kenny Powers
89. “I do all these things not because I want to, but because I have to. From this moment forward, Kenny Powers is just like everyone else; normal, not special; no hopes or dreams; pretending to be happy when he’s really super sad. Just an average guy, with exceptional hair.” — Kenny Powers
90. “You want to know about relationships? I know all there is to know. Just ask my second wife, Tina. Yeah, she was a stripper. And if Montel Williams wants to talk shit some more then he can go fuck himself cause those charges were dropped.” — Kenny Powers
91. “You know, April, when I told you that I was unhappy with you and the kids, that wasn’t true. I was never unhappy with you guys, I was unhappy with myself. I just wanted to be a success. It turns out I was a success the whole entire time. As a father, a husband, and a pretty goddamn good one at that. I just thought you should know.” — Kenny Powers
92. “Oddly enough, the people here aren’t that different from the ones back home, when you get past the lack of interest in real sports, and the need to have yellow rice at every fuckin’ meal.” — Kenny Powers
93. “A goddamn Mexican standoff in fuckin’ Mexico. I was hoping to get into one of these before I left.” — Kenny Powers
94. “I need you to score me some juice.” — Kenny Powers
95. “That sweet tailpipe of yours did have me charmed. It put a spell on me, but all the ass magic in Mexico can’t change Kenny Powers from his core beliefs. I’m not an ass man. I’m a tit man. I like big ass boobs—now, and forever. I’m not like a black guy, Vida.” — Kenny Powers
96. “Funny thing, when you’re on top of the world, every motherfucker wants to get a piece of your ass. But then, you take a little time off from being unstoppable just to regroup and relax, no one will give you the time of fuckin’ day.” — Kenny Powers
97. “You named your baby after Titanic? What’s this mother fucker’s name? Shrek?” — Kenny Powers
98. “But, of course, the future is sure to hold its fair share of miseries. All kinds of shitty sorrows. I find solace in the fact that from each sorrow, comes a little bit of knowledge. And with knowledge comes wisdom.” — Kenny Powers
99. “I got two hard rules I live by, Pop; I don’t fuck with the devil, and I never do tag-teams with blood relatives. Take it easy, old man.” — Kenny Powers
100. “The only job I got is teaching a bunch of pisspants how to tie their shoes.” — Kenny Powers
Which Kenny Powers quotation struck you the most? Due to his rage, Kenny Powers was kicked out of the baseball league. Despite his work shifts, he gained valuable life experience. He understood that in order to live your best life, you must be determined, persistent, and loyal.
His connections and his life saw numerous adjustments as well. He developed into a fantastic friend and father. These examples demonstrate that suffering, disappointment, and rejection don’t prevent people from succeeding in life.
In addition to having a funny personality, Kenny Powers’ epiphanies are universal. Let everyone have a victory of hunger and thirst! Did you find this collection to be enjoyable? Which quotations stand out to you? Post a comment below.
