Looking for funny jokes to tell? It doesn’t have to be National Tell a Joke Day (August 16) to crack these side-splitting jokes! Laughter spreads quickly. It lightens the burdens we bear in life, lifts our spirits, and binds us to those with whom we share it. So why wouldn’t we seize any opportunity to laugh at a joke? That is why we have compiled a list of (clean) jokes for adults and children alike that will have the entire family laughing.
You’re going to love this cheesy collection of puns and one-liners—no kidding! We have lots of holiday-specific jokes, too, including Thanksgiving jokes, Halloween jokes, Easter jokes and Valentine’s Day jokes.
- How do bees brush their hair? With honeycombs!
- What was a more useful invention than the first telephone? The second telephone.
- Where does Batman go to the bathroom? The batroom.
- What kind of keys are sweet? Cookies!
- Why do oranges wear sunscreen? So they don’t peel.
- What did the left eye say to the right eye? Between you and me, something smells.
- My uncle named his dogs Timex and Rolex. They’re his watch dogs.
- How much money does a pirate pay for corn? A buccaneer.
- What do you do if someone rolls their eyes at you? Roll them right back.
- How do you make a lemon drop? Let it fall from the tree.
- Why was the belt arrested? Because it was holding up some pants.
- How does an octopus go into battle? Well-armed.
- Why did the peanut get into a rocket? He wanted to be an astro-nut!
- Why do ducks always pay with cash? Because they always have bills!
- What do you call a lazy kangaroo? A pouch potato.
- What is worse than raining cats and dogs? Hailing taxis.
- If an electric train is traveling south at miles per hour and the wind is blowing North at miles per hour, which way does the smoke blow? Fooled you! Electric trains don’t blow smoke.
- What does a pickle say when he wants to play cards? “Dill me in!”
- What do you call it when a snowman throws a tantrum? A meltdown.
- How did the pig get to the hogspital? In a hambulance.
- What did the bald man say when he received a comb for his birthday? “I’ll never part with this!”
- What time is it when people are throwing pieces of bread at your head? Time to duck.
- What did the bathtub say to the toilet? “You look flushed!”
- I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.
- What’s a private investigator’s favorite shoe? Sneak-ers.
- Why did the cookie go to the hospital? Because it was feeling a little crummy.
- Why are basketball courts always wet? Because the players dribble.
- Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.
- Why didn’t the melons get married? Because they cantaloupe.
- Why does a seagull fly over the sea? Because if it flew over the bay, it would be a baygull.
- How much does it cost a pirate to get his ears pierced? A buck an ear.
- Why won’t peanut butter tell you a secret? He’s afraid you’ll spread it!
- What fruit do twins love? Pears!
- I was going to tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn’t like it.
- What do you call a tired bull? A bulldozer.
- Why did the cow jump over the moon? The farmer had cold hands.
- What did the mama tomato say to the baby tomato? Catch up!
- What do you call cheese that belongs to someone else? Nacho cheese!
- Why are pizza jokes the worst? They’re too cheesy.
- What did the limestone say to the geologist? Don’t take me for granite!
- Where do young trees go to learn? Elementree school.
- What did one plate say to the other plate? Dinner’s on me.
- What’s the difference between a car and a fish? You can tune a car but you can’t tuna fish.
- How did Benjamin Franklin feel holding his kite when he discovered electricity? Shocked!
- Did you hear the joke about the roof? Never mind, it would go over your head.
- What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel.
- How do you open a banana? With a mon-key.
- Where do most horses live? In neighhh-borhoods!
- What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.
- My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo, so I had to put my foot down.
- What do you call a pudgy psychic? A four-chin teller.
- What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop.
- How much did the man sell his dead batteries for? Nothing, they were free of charge!
- Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch cold.
- What kind of water cannot freeze? Hot water.
- How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans.
- Why did the computer get sick? It caught a virus!
- Why does Humpty Dumpty love autumn? Because he had a great fall.
- What’s a snake’s favorite subject in school? Hiss-tory.
- What do you call a pony with a sore throat? A little horse.
- What do you call a duck that gets good grades? A wise quacker.
- What did the ghost call his Mum and Dad? His transparents.
- Why do we tell actors to “break a leg?” Because every play has a cast.
- What did the snail who was riding on the turtle’s back say? Wheeeee!
- What board game does the sky love to play? Twister.
- Why did the banana visit the doctor? She wasn’t peeling well!
- What did the Baby Corn say to the Mama Corn? “Where is Pop Corn?”
- What happens when a strawberry gets run over crossing the street? Traffic jam.
- How did the student feel when he learned about electricity? Totally shocked.
- Why did the Daddy Rabbit go to the barber? He had a lot of little hares.
- Did you hear about the guy whose left side was cut off? He’s all right now.
- I’m so good at sleeping I can do it with my eyes closed!
- What do you call an old snowman? A glass of water.
- What do you get when you mix a cocker spaniel, a poodle, and a ghost? A cocker-poodle boo.
- What do you call a fish without an eye? A fsh.
- When does a joke become a “dad” joke? When the punchline is a parent.
- A termite walks into a bar and says, “So, is the bar tender here?”
- What does a pig put on dry skin? Oinkment.
- Which planet loves to sing? Nep-tune!
- Why can’t you ever trust atoms? Because they make up everything.
- Why don’t you ever see giraffes in middle school? Because they’re all in high school.
- How do billboards talk? Sign language.
- Why was the baby strawberry crying? Because their parents were in a jam.
- How do you talk to a giant? Use big words.
- Who eats snails? People who don’t like fast food!
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