Extremely Funny Quotes That Will Make You Laugh Out Loud “Each time a bird shits on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my porch – just to show them what I am capable of.”
Hilarious Quotes that Make You Laugh Out Loud “It sometimes makes people feel better about themselves, you know, to put other people down, or make fun of them, or maybe make mockery of their work and that doesn’t make me feel good at all.”
Funny Sarcastic Quotes to Make You Laugh Out Loud “Life is very short, so break your silly egos, forgive quickly, believe slowly, love truly, laugh loudly and never avoid anything that makes you smile.”
Funny Quotes and saying do the same. These not only make you ponder but also lighten your mood when it’s needed. In this article, we have curated the Best Funny Quotes and Sayings, that will make you laugh out loud. laughing so we don’t cry! With quotes from famous comedians like Betty White, Joan Rivers, Lucille Ball, and Phyllis Diller, here are the best laugh-out-loud quotes to enjoy anytime you need a laugh. Looking for more inspiration? Be sure to check out this funny graduation.
- “High heels were invented by a woman who had been kissed on the forehead.” ~ Christopher Morley
- “If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?” ~ Abraham Lincoln
- “Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you’ll get if you’re able to ‘fall asleep right now.’” ~ Anonymous
- “My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn’t pay the bill he gave me six months more.”~ Walter Matthau
- “If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.” ~ Billy Wilde
- “Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.” ~ Charles M. Schulz
- “Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?” ~ Benny Hill
- “My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.” ~ Ashleigh Brilliant
- “The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity.” ~ Dorothy Parker
- “I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield
- “Life is hard; it’s harder if you’re stupid.” ~ John Wayne
- “At every party there are two kinds of people – those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.” ~ Ann Landers
- “I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” ~ Charles Lamb
- “He who laughs last didn’t get the joke.” ~ Charles de Gaulle
- “Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.” ~ Bertrand Russell
- “A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers.” ~ H.L. Mencken
- “Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.” ~ Benjamin Franklin
- “A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.” ~ W.C. Fields
- “By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.” ~ Charles Wadsworth
- “Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.” ~ Bernard Baruch
Funny Quotes Laugh Out Loud
Laugh hilarious sarcasm funny quotes “I don’t like making plans for the day because then the word “Premeditated” gets thrown around in the courtroom.”
1. “Is it true… The older you get, the crazier you become or is it just me? ”
2. “Mum: Calls my name Me: What? Mum: Silence Me: Continues doing what I’m doing Mum: ”
3. “If someone calls you ‘ugly’ have a good comeback and say ‘excuse me, I am not a mirror’.”
4. “I fart because it is the only gas I can afford!”
5. “I didn’t sleep well last night so I made my coffee this morning with red bull instead of water. I got half way to work before I realized I forgot my car.”
6. “The awkward moment when you think you do a silent fart and it comes out like a machine gun.”
7. “How normal people laugh in public how I laugh in public. “Loooooooooooool””
8. “Age is just a number… Yeah, and jail is just a room.”
9. “When your kids keep telling a story and it won’t end.”
10. “Old people at weddings always poke me and say: “You are next.” So I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.”
11. “Have some fun with your life… Call in sick to places you don’t even work at.”
12. “Did you know “diet” stands for: Did I eat that?”
13. “The word “bae” is Danish for “poop”. You’re welcome!”
14. “Balloons are so weird… “Happy birthday, here’s a plastic sack of my breath””
15. “This is my life. mom: you’re so beautiful, sweetie! dad: if any boy asks you out. I‘m coming for him. Grandparents: you’re so gorgeous, guys must be all over you friends of parents: you’re going to break a lot of hearts friends: you’re pretty, now shut up, boys: why Is that potato looking at me.”
16. “Teenager post# 13169 some kids were dropped as a baby. But you were clearly thrown in the air, smacked by a ceiling fan, and tossed out the window.”
17. “You say god’s not real because you can’t see him? I don’t think you saw evolution either.”
18. “Old people weddings always poke me and say “you’re next.” So, I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.”
19. “Deja poo: The feeling that you’ve heard this crap before.”
20. “Today I was running and this minivan drove past me and some like 14 year old boy yelled out the window something like “run fat ass” and his mother turned the car around and made him run like 5 blocks with me while she drove next to us I almost slipped from laughing so hard and that’s the kind of education idiotic people need. Seriously. Give that parent a medal.”
21. “Exercising would be much more rewarding if calories screamed while you burned them.”
22. “If you see me smiling it’s because I’m thinking of doing something bad. If you see me laughing it’s because I already have.”
23. “Corner of dollar bill:is slightly folded Vending machine: Unacceptable!”
24. “Though I walk thru the shadow of death I fear no evil.”
25. “If the person who named walkie talkies named everything stamps = Lickie stickie Defibrillators = Hearty starty Bumble bees = Fuzzy buzzy Pregnancy test = Maybe baby Bra =Breastie Nestie Fork= Stabby grabby Socks = Feetie heatie Hippo = Floatie bloatie Nightmare = Screamy dreamy.”
26. “#Growing up with strict parents when you not where you supposed to be and you see a car drive by that’s similar to your parents.”
27. “Fire distinguisher yep that’s fire unshaped: Thank you fire distinguisher.”
28. “Always remember that you are unique just like everyone else.”
29. “How god be watching me dance in my room when I’m alone.”
30. “My wife just opened my car door for me. Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 7Omph.”
31. “‘Dammit I’m mad’ is’dammit I’m mad’ spelled backwards.”
32. “Gravity is having a strange effect on my dog today.”
33. “There’s a town named sandwich in massachusetts. There are literally police cars labeled Sandwich Police.”
34. “Fitness tip: Never stop pushing yourself. Some say 8 hours of sleep is enough. Why stop there? Why not 9? Why not 10? Strive for greatness. Do 15 push-ups instead of 10. Run 3 miles instead of 2. Eat the whole cake instead of a slice. Burn your ex’s house down. I believe in you.”
35. “My husband (the extrovert) and I (the introvert) got separated on our flight. We’re in middle seats in the same row. I’ve already apologized to the people sitting next to me like 7 times. My husband is sharing beef jerky with strangers and I think he’s now in someone’s wedding.”
36. “Next time you go on a roller coaster take some spare bolts with you & tell the person in front of you, “dude these came out of your seat!””
37. “I laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.”
38. “Where does all my money go?? It’s like, hocus pocus I’m brokus.”
39. “I love those people who can make me laugh during those moments when I feel like I can’t even smile.”
40. “I really love my toilet. We’ve been through a lot of shit together.”
41. “I’ve reached that age where my brain goes from “you probably shouldn’t say that.” to “what the hell, Let’s see what happens.””
42. “I want to be the reason you look down at your phone and smile. Then walk into a pole.”
43. “The look you make when you tryna cheat off someone’s test and the teacher looks in your direction.”
44. “I put googly eyes on my trash can and now it looks concerned whenever it starts getting full.”
45. “Cop: “Turn around.” Me: “Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never comin’ round” Cop: “Turn around!” Me: “Every now…” gets tased.”
46. “Person: Do you have a cat or a dog? Me: I have no idea.”
47. “When bald people wash their face how far up do they go?”
48. “It’s ok if you don’t like me. Not everyone has good taste.”
49. “I’m not a complete idiot. Some pieces are missing.”
50. “I want a closed casket funeral. However, towards the end of the service, please have the organist play “Pop goes the weasel” over and over until everyone in attendance is staring at my coffin with silent, horrified anticipation.”
51. “Here is a visual representation of the word “sorry”.”
52. “I was addicted to the hokey pokey but I turned myself around.”
53. “Me: Im trying to get over my fear of ghosts Therapist: Thats the spirit Me:”
54. “You’re the reason this country has to put directions on shampoo.”
55. “I need a vacation… Someone kidnap me please?”
56. “Sometimes I wish I was a bird… So I could fly over certain people and shit on their heads..”
57. “If we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life vest… I would miss you so much.”
58. “Why do we feel safe under blankets? Its’s not like a murderer will come in thinking, “I’m gonna kill- ahh damn! She’s under a blanket…””
59. “I just had a physical. The doctor said, “don’t eat anything fatty” I said, “Like bacon and burgers?” He said, “No fatty, don’t eat anything!””
60. “I don’t know why men go to bars to try and meet women. Go to target. The female to male ratio is like 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for crap they don’t need.”
Read More
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