Funny Phrases About Funny Sayings “I’m Still Deciding.” Sometimes the best way to get out of an awkward situation is to laugh your way out. Memorize these funny sayings and use them as necessary. Make everyone laugh with these 70 funny phrases, one-liners, and jokes that are just silly enough to keep everyone in stitches.
Funny quotes ”Don’t rush me. I’m still deciding whether to be productive today or not.” quotes about life
Funny Quotes
- “Have you ever just looked at someone and knew the wheel was still turning but the hamster was dead.”
- “I’ve never been held hostage but I have been in a group text.”
- “The best things in life will either make you fat, drunk, or pregnant.”
- “Why is Monday so far from Friday and Friday so close to Monday?”
- “You are living proof that god has a sense of humor.”
- “Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.”
- “Dear maths, I am tired of finding your x. Just move on buddy, she’s gone.”
- “Let’s face it – some people drain the nice right out of you.”
- “I do not spew profanities. I enunciate them clearly, like a fucking lady.”
- “Math (abb.) Mental abuse to humans.”
- “A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. Steve martin”
- “I seriously need to teach my facial expressions how to use their inside voice.”
Funny Phrases
- “Some people just need a pat on the back.”
- “When someone says: “expect the unexpected” slap them and say: “you didn’t expect that, did you?.”
- “You never really realize how long a minute is until you’re exercising.”
- “I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes… She hugged me.”
- “Every family has one weird relative. If you don’t know who it is, then it’s probably you.”
- “Hold on let me overthink this.”
- “An apple a day keeps anyone away if you throw it hard enough.”
- “Live, laugh, love if that doesn’t work load, aim & fire.”
- “What did the daughter corn ask the mother corn? Where’s popcorn?.”
- “Sometimes when I close my eyes, I can’t see.”
- “Revenge” sounds so mean that’s why I prefer to call it “returning the favor”.”
- “I don’t trip I do random gravity checks.”
- “Take my advice; I don’t use it anyway.”
- “Not in jail, not in a mental hospital, not in a grave – I say I’m having a very good day.”
Funny Sayings
- “If my mouth doesn’t say it, my face definitely will.”
- “I’m allergic to stupidity.”
- “Twinkle twinkle little snitch mind your business nosey bitch.”
- “You reminded me of a penny. Two-faced, and not worth much.”
- “Do not read the next sentence. You little rebel. I like you.”
- “I’m retired I was tired yesterday and I’m tired again today”
- “I am not lazy I am in energy-saving mode.”
- “Sorry, I’m not good at acting as I care.”
- “This mom runs on coffee chaos “and. Cuss words.”
- “My dream job would be the karma delivery service. Bill Murray”
- “Infinity at my funeral takes the bouquet off my coffin and throws it into the crowd to see who is next.”
- “So, if we lie to the government, it’s a felony… But if they lie to us, it’s politics. -Bill Murray.”
- “If you ever see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me.”
Funny Crazy Quotes
- “Grammar (n.) The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.”
- “Some people aren’t just missing a screw, the whole toolbox is gone.”
- “Where there’s a will, there’s a relative.”
- “Behind every angry woman is a man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong.”
- “People said: “follow your dreams” so I went back to bed”
- “Ever look at someone and think – why has no one hit you with a shovel yet?”
- “My wallet is like an onion. When I open it, it makes me cry.”
- “Not in jail, not in a mental hospital, not in a grave – I say I’m having a very good day.”
- “I am going to stand outside. If anyone asks, I am outstanding.”
- “Don’t worry about what people think. They don’t do it very often.”
- “Sometimes I have to remind myself it’s not worth the jail time.”
- “I can’t decide if people who wear pajamas in public have given up on life or are living it to the fullest.”
Funny Sayings About Life
- “You look like something I drew with my left hand.”
- “We live in the era of smartphones and stupid people.”
- “It’s ok if you don’t· like me not everyone has good taste.”
- “Do not read the next sentence. You little rebel. I like you.”
- “How do you say f**k you politely? With all due respect, intercourse yourself.”
- “Roses are red violets are blue faces like yours belong in the zoo don’t be mad I’ll be there too not in the cage but laughing at you.”
- “Of course, I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.”
- “Progress over perfection.”
- “I’m so glad I don’t have a thigh gap. I almost dropped my phone in the toilet, but my legs were like “nah girl, we got you!”
- “Sorry, I can’t today. My sister’s friend’s mother’s grandpa’s brother’s grandson’s uncle’s fish died. And yes, it was tragic.”
- “If life gives you lemons you should make lemonade and try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party. Ron white”
Random Funny Phrases
- “Everything happens for a reason… Usually, the reason is some idiot.”
- “To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone, and a funny bone. Reba McEntire”
- “I want to live in a world where email burns calories.”
- “Well aren’t you a waste of two billion years of evolution?”
- “Sometimes I have to tell myself it’s just not worth the jail time.”
- “Of course, I talk like an idiot, how else would you understand me?.”
Life can be hard, so it’s important to remember not to take everything too seriously. If you won’t take our word for it, there’s scientific proof of the old adage that laughter is the best medicine. A good laugh relaxes the body, triggers the release of endorphins, boosts your immune system, and decreases pain. So if you want to lighten the mood a little bit, find some new one-liners and jokes, look for your next humorous Instagram caption, or look for some fun facts to bring on the laughs, we’ve gone ahead and done all the work for you. Here are over 70 funny phrases that will make you chuckle and make you feel good about life. Don’t worry, for good measure we threw in some pop culture and sitcom quotes in there as well.
